Celaka, too awake at 1 AM and I have to work tomorrow this is not goo-

[dmjewelle]

I just got the lyrics to GazettE's "PLEDGE", see.


What I realized only after I hurt you was that
I was looking for the number of faults in you when we should have looked at each other

Our days were buried in small lies In order to avoid these doubts
Our hearts must know the meaning of losing each other This second winter is standing still

You are lost because you cannot see tomorrow Raising your voice you were crying
Without being able to find any words I just caught your tears

Wrapped in loneliness the days soaked both of us
We were repeatedly looking for understanding I can feel it deeply once again

It's no lie when I said that I felt eternity
I will certainly be by your side

I don't need "I love you" anymore
If only you'd stay forever by my side
I want to be broken by you
Who exhausted your voice by crying

All the words from the beginning to the end were said to you
So that you won't let go of these arms
The same dream that stood by our side washed us both away

The small lies change their shapes and dissolve into a white breath of air
So that we won't forget the meaning of losing each other It doesn't matter how many times it has to be carved into my heart

I leave this "goodbye" right here and move forward
I won't lose you once again

So that we can assure ourselves of our love we both had to see sorrow
Even if we both end up vanishing tomorrow It's okay to not cry anymore

Someday we will change into two people that pass like the seasons
Even if there will be nights when you will be frozen from sadness
Don't forget

Nothing will ever end

In a deep dream


(from Gazette Lyrics LJ Comm)

*****

Today for after 6 months, I took a look at his LJ. The last few days I've been having the urge to go take a peek but I've always stopped myself by reminding myself that

1) there is no reason to look at his blog except to rip out my heart again if I find something I didn't want to read
2) I gain nothing out of it

So I suckered people into reminding me I'm doing the right thing by not peeking. What do I do? I peek. The good thing was that I read his latest post and didn't feel the same heart-ripping soul-emptying feeling I had about 6 months ago.

Then again, one must understand when I do read his LJ, I'm not signed in.

I can't read the locked posts he wrote for me - assuming he hasn't deleted the lot by now.

I also have not looked at my user info for over a year.

The two sentences are actually related: If I can't see his blog properly, then I don't know whether he did delete the locked posts. If I don't scroll down to the user info, I can't see whether he removed me from my flist (I didn't remove him from mine - it was easier to make a custom filter).

I am terrified of what will happen if I do either.

If I find that I'm as good as gone and deleted like from his FB & MSN, then it only reaffirms what I've figured long ago - I really meant nothing, and everything I ever thought about the relationship was a big fat lie. If I find everything intact, then it would be fueling my delusional fantasies of false hope and shoujo manga j-drama k-drama romantic situations. It's bad enough I overthink when I discover he popped by my LJ once or twice... it's not healthy, period.

I don't deny I still hurt; Back then I hurt SO BAD I removed all my locked posts TO him. It was not the nicest or smartest thing to do, but it's the only self-preservative move I could think of at the time. It was a sort of revenge, a pre-emptive strike way of thinking "I should just remove my posts before I find out he did SINCE HE DIDN'T THINK MUCH OF ME ANYWAY", so logically I can't blame him if he did the same.

But logic never goes hand in hand with feelings anyway.

At the end: He never loved me (he admitted it), I was a rebound fling (one month after his last relationship), and I'm left with evidence the feelings during the 7 months we were together never existed so if he could delete me so easily from his life a week after breaking up he has no right peeking and stalking my LJ now get the fuck out (as I told his friend) don't you dare say you felt the same way I did when you chucked me.

This is how I cope - it is a logical conclusion, and even if it's not the truth...

...It's not like I'll ever know anyway.

*****

Oh look, have more GazettE lyrics from the same comm.

Did you really love me heartily ? Can you really call that love ?
Answer ..., I don't want to die.

This is the last copulation.
Why can't you understand it ?
Can't you hear my shout ?
Again ..., Until hate goes away.
Don't touch me ! Don't touch heart ! Don't show that face !
I don't want to die.