http://ex-deinajean484.livejournal.com/ ([identity profile] ex-deinajean484.livejournal.com) wrote in [personal profile] dmjewelle 2007-03-13 10:59 am (UTC)

Your descriptive style is good - everything is done in third person and you can feel the introspectiveness of the character. Just a few nit-pickiness:-

"is a stub of a new tooth?" - shouldn't it be "is *that* a stub of a new tooth?

"the other has its toenails pulled out" - the other has *had* (or just had) its toenails...

"Sometimes Finnegan reminisces, but his broken, twisted fingers gets entangled..." - Just not sure about this sentence. You say that sometimes he reminisces but then move on to the current situation. Maybe you could change it to something like "but *then* his broken..." ? Just a thought.

I can't say I love the feel of the story, but that is purely due to its macabre content. The fact that you've convey it means you did a great job =)

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